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Dear College Humor Television,

I was surfing through your site to do some research on what passes for college entertainment for my Senior Seminar project. After trying to force a smile at College Humor.com’s April Fools joke this year, I clicked on the CHTV logo to see the first episode of the site’s TV show. I’m not an expert on college television, but I’d like to think I know a thing or two about what is funny, and what makes people want to play with a sheet of metal during a thunderstorm. I can say without any shred of doubt CHTV is the latter.

The fact that College Humor has a developmental deal with SONY Pictures makes me want to cut my wrists, and hope I survive long enough to cut them again. Here is what is wrong with CHTV. First, your host looks like Captain Emo. When I see him I see the face of Dashboard Confessional fans. And studies have shown being exposed to people who like Dashboard or other “fine” emo music leads to the Ebola virus. Another highly contagious disease that, like emo music, makes people vomit in-between wild fits of fevor and crying in the corner. Man on the street segments don’t work for Jay Leno or David Letterman; they’re not going to work for you. And oh yeah, way to be “hip and edgy” by asking people when was the last time they got “laid.” Like we haven’t heard that one on the National Lampoon Network or any HBO special involving regular people. The Black Eyed Peas joke made me want to piss myself.

Not because it was funny, but because the filth I would be swimming in would be more entertaining than the excrement I was watching on your show. A college student in New York City is as far as you can get from the portrayal of the “average” college student, which you claimed to be reaching in your man on the street segment. There is nothing wrong with college students from New York City, but all because you were too lazy to film the segment elsewhere doesn’t give you the right to advertise you were reaching out to the “average” college student.

The rejected video segment and random “fact” segments were terrible. The facts weren’t even funny. College students don’t care about the lottery, and the Super Mario Brothers joke died before it even left the host’s mouth. I realize Ebaum’s World has a TV deal with USA Network to do pretty much what you just did with showing rejected clips, but all because they’re doing it doesn’t mean you should. Are you seriously that desperate for something to rip off? If you are I recommend just about anything on Comedy Central because Comedy Central is about as funny as a September 11th movie.

Hey, do you know any funny fart jokes? Why don’t you work some of those in there? You can ask Judah Friedlander to write some “funny” jokes for you. Because his segment was so funny, I was hoping a doctor would come in and tell me I had cancer of the eye, and my brain made up Judah Friedlander to give me a reason not to prolong death. I don’t know how he gets work, but like him, I hope your show never reproduces. The last thing we need is another “edgy” college television show that just makes us look like a bunch of white, quasi-retarded men and women who suffer from alcoholism, slack off, and sleep around. Thanks; at least the next time I don’t get hired for a job when I graduate I’ll know whom to blame.

Sincerely,

Brandon J. Mendelson

Dish Network digital satellite television services, in their ongoing program of customer satisfaction, offers the most diverse High Definition programming to supplement their superb High Definition equipment. Now it is easier than ever to view see the best of high definition in all your viewing selections. This article is written in an effort to provide a broad overview of currently available high definition programming. HDTV has a very high resolution that produced crystal-clear imaging and excellent Dolby surround sound.

For those who prefer HD services, Dish Network offers the HD Pak, which includes ESPN, Discovery Theater, TNT, Net, and Net Movies - all presented in High Definition format. Promotional offers are often made to attract new customers to their subscriber base of over 12 million viewers, and many times, this particular package is offered free for six months and at a minimal charge afterwards when combined with an additional package.

Dish Network also has the new VOOM Originals Pak, which includes ten VOOM HD Originals for small additional charge when subscribing to the HD Pak - making a total of 15 great channels of programming. VOOM channels may require the purchase of a second dish antenna depending on geographical area. VOOM is a company, no longer in business, which initially offered the largest variety of HD programming. Dish Network, in their efforts to expand delivery modes, purchased VOOM’s satellite giving subscribers the added enjoyment of watching additional HD channels. This newly acquired service makes Dish Network’s HD capabilities the best in the nation. Subscribers can now see so many more programs in HD format. Viewers can now see channels like RUSH, Gallery, Rave, Ultra, Equator, Monsters, Animania, Majestic, News, Weather, and Guy TV - all in HD. Also included are programs on fashion, fiction, travel, music, concerts, and more.

View the latest in advanced technology with movies, news, pay-per-view, and sports events - all shown in High Definition by subscribing to one of Dish Network’s DishHD packages. Programming packages designed to please are appropriately named Bronze, Silver, Gold, and Platinum Dish HD packages. Each one contains a diverse lineup of channels with shows sure to please as well as additional programming delivered digitally in standard television format. With the use of Dish Network’s ViP211 and ViP622 receivers, HD programming may be shown on one TV with SD being shown on another. Subscribers are given the best of both worlds - standard and high definition - both digitally delivered. Each package includes 23 to 25 channels of unique HD programming plus varying channels of standard definition shows and music - each one varying in number and cost. Packages begin with 23 channels of HD shows and 60 channels (Bronze DishHD) of SD and increase to 25 channels of HD with 180 channels of SD, including all 4-premium movie channels (Platinum DishHD) - packages varying in price. Each one includes a wide-range of interests, including news, sports, movies, and interactive gaming, with something sure to please everyone.

The addition of HD to Dish Network’s services is just another way of enhancing their overall excellent services to subscribers. Click on Dish Network HD Programming now for complete details on programming selections, pricing information, ordering, and installation. Take advantage of their offer to improve your home entertainment system - free equipment and installation. Entertainment at it’s finest - courtesy of Dish Network digital satellite television services.

Dish Network digital satellite television services, in their ongoing program of customer satisfaction, offers the most diverse High Definition programming to supplement their superb High Definition equipment. Now it is easier than ever to view see the best of high definition in all your viewing selections. This article is written in an effort to provide a broad overview of currently available high definition programming. HDTV has a very high resolution that produced crystal-clear imaging and excellent Dolby surround sound.

For those who prefer HD services, Dish Network offers the HD Pak that includes ESPN, Discovery Theater, TNT, Net, and Net Movies - all presented in High Definition format. Promotional offers are often made to attract new customers to their subscriber base of over 12 million viewers, and many times, this particular package is offered free for six months and at a minimal charge afterwards when combined with an additional package.

Dish Network also has the new VOOM Originals Pak, which includes ten VOOM HD Originals for small additional charge when subscribing to the HD Pak - making a total of 15 great channels of programming. VOOM channels may require the purchase of a second dish antenna depending on geographical area. VOOM is a company, no longer in business that initially offered the largest variety of HD programming. Dish Network, in their efforts to expand delivery modes, purchased VOOM’s satellite giving subscribers the added enjoyment of watching additional HD channels. This newly acquired service makes Dish Network’s HD capabilities the best in the nation. Subscribers can now see so many more programs in HD format. Viewers can now see channels like RUSH, Gallery, Rave, Ultra, Equator, Monsters, Animania, Majestic, News, Weather, and Guy TV - all in HD. Also included are programs on fashion, fiction, travel, music, concerts, and more.

View the latest in advanced technology with movies, news, pay-per-view, and sports events - all shown in High Definition by subscribing to one of Dish Network’s DishHD packages. Programming packages designed to please are appropriately named Bronze, Silver, Gold, and Platinum Dish HD packages. Each one contains a diverse lineup of channels with shows sure to please as well as additional programming delivered digitally in standard television format. With the use of Dish Network’s ViP211 and ViP622 receivers, HD programming may be shown on one TV with SD being shown on another. Subscribers are given the best of both worlds - standard and high definition - both digitally delivered. Each package includes 23 to 25 channels of unique HD programming plus varying channels of standard definition shows and music - each one varying in number and cost. Packages begin with 23 channels of HD shows and 60 channels (Bronze DishHD) of SD and increase to 25 channels of HD with 180 channels of SD, including all 4-premium movie channels (Platinum DishHD) - packages varying in price. Each one includes a wide-range of interests, including news, sports, movies, and interactive gaming, with something sure to please everyone.

The addition of HD to Dish Network’s services is just another way of enhancing their overall excellent services to subscribers. Click on Dish Network HD Programming now for complete details on programming selections, pricing information, ordering, and installation. Take advantage of their offer to improve your home entertainment system - free equipment and installation. Entertainment at it’s finest - courtesy of Dish Network digital satellite television services.

John Richardson is a popular reviewer of consumer electronics and has served as a product development consultant for several consumer electronics manufacturers including Dish Network, visit his website: Big Mouth TV

The Sin City DVD blew my mind, or maybe I should say,
warped my mind. I haven’t been a great fan of Graphic
Novels, but this movie encouraged me to purchase a few of
the Sin City books. Frank Miller’s now famous, series
creations have taken us into the world of a bizarre surreal
environment of death, destruction and gallows underbelly
lifestyles.

Is the story telling and artistry supposed to show a world
we hope would never exist in our white bread world? Or is
it an ultimate achievement of good (disguised as part of
the underbelly) trying to subdue evil? I prefer to think
the latter.

The film itself is a work of pure cinematography genius.
With the classic film noir overlay and the visual tricks
and special effects, it looks as if you would open the Sin
City graphic novel and have the pages come to life. This, I
do believe, is the closest I have seen a movie come to the
actual artwork and content of the original paper versions.

The very concept and style of Sin City, whether it be the
movie or the novels, is not for everyone. The plot and
violence are very graphic and definitely not for younger
audiences. But as graphic as the movie is, due to the
nature of the moving comic book background, it doesn’t
bring out the reality and gore that could have been
pictured. Personally, I enjoyed this toning down. I would
hate to think that I could actually condone this kind of
violent activity.

Robert Rodriguez in collaboration with series creator,
Frank Miller have ingeniously intertwined four of the
Graphic Novels into the making of Sin City. “The Customer
is Always Right”, opens the movie even before the credits
starts. Then “The Hard Goodbye”, “Big Fat Kill” and “That
Yellow Bastard” make up the rest of the movie.

I for one was impressed with the casting and how the actors
seemed to fit the characters to perfection. I am starting
to see a pattern though, in that certain actors are
starting to show up in various comic book related movies of
the new Hollywood features. The Kingpin (Michael Clarke
Duncan) from Daredevil, for example, is also a character in
Sin City. Do you think you can spot him? He is pretty hard
to miss.

It looks like by now, Jessica Alba may be vying for the
Title “Queen of the Comic Book Movies” (ha ha). She also
came out this year in The Fantastic Four and will be in the
sequel when it comes out.

With the new outcry for realistic comic book character
movies and the new Hollywood technologies that make them
possible, it looks like the original character creators
want to reap some of the exposure. Stan Lee, of Marvel
Comics fame, manages to get a cameo appearance every now
and again in his character creation movies. And now, in Sin
City, Frank Miller was justified in putting his mug on the
wide screen. He appears as the, shall we say, sinister
priest that Marv (Mickey Rourke) decides he is justified in
blowing away. How many more comic book character creators
do you think we will see in cameo rolls as more movies are
produced?

If you are an avid fan of Frank Miller and, in particular,
Sin City, then you will quite probably feel this one of the
best movies to come out of Hollywood in 2005. If you are
unfamiliar with the entire Sin City theme and series,
advance with caution and don’t watch it with the young or
the young at heart (ha). The movie, in my mind, is
definitely a visual sensation. And I hear that Sin City II
may be ready for us in the summer of 2006. Enjoy.

Dave Gieber is the owner and editor of a website built
around one of his childhood passions. Learn the basic
essentials to comic book collecting success with this
free 5-day course:
Sin City

Auditions are the bane of existence for all performers.  Many an actor has cried out, “Isn’t there any other way?!”  Unfortunately nobody has designed one after all these years, so it looks like we’re stuck with it.

Don’t let this be an excuse, though.  With the right information, you can ace every audition you have the privilege to attend.  That doesn’t mean you’ll always get the part, but you can always be happy with your performance.

There are two aspects that you need to consider when it comes to delivering a kick-butt audition.  First is your acting technique.  You have to have a solid, reliable technique for preparing any material that is required in advance, such as a monologue.  It is absolutely crucial for you to be able to prepare your material on your own, and quickly.  You can’t be waiting around or relying upon other people to critique you every time you want to work up a new audition piece.

Secondly, you need to know how to present yourself well at the audition.  There are certain audition skills that you will not normally need in your final performance, but that will drastically improve your success at auditions.  This includes being able to make a knockout impression in the first few seconds, knowing how to take direction, and coming across as a pleasant person the director wants to work with.

When you master these skills, you can feel great after every audition you attend.  Pretty soon, you’ll have to be more choosy about which auditions you go to, or you could find yourself getting cast in productions you didn’t even want!

[Keywords: acting, acting technique, monologues, audition tips ]

One of the surprise blockbusters of 2004, National Treasure evokes images of the Indiana Jones trilogy with its adventurous search for a mysterious hidden treasure. But more than likely, the film is the result of the massive commercial success of a “quest for the holy grail” novel entitled The Da Vinci Code. Since its release, Dan Brown’s book has sold over twenty million copies, and its plot of a historian turned treasure hunter who uncovers ancient clues put in place by the Knights Templar and the Masons that hold the key to a treasure of unimaginable consequences from the era of the Crusades while doing so with the aid of a beautiful woman curator of the very archive which holds the crucial clues to its discovery, all while an evil competitor who seeks the treasure for himself follows on his heels - whew! is a plot device that’s eerily similar to Dan Brown’s bestseller. But National Treasure takes place in the United States instead of Europe, so you can rest assured that the book’s success had nothing to do with the movie’s production (wink, wink)… Anyway, regardless of its origin, National Treasure is an entertaining adventure more than worthy of a movie-goer’s time…

National Treasure follows the exploits of Benjamin “Ben” Franklin Gates (Nicolas Cage), the youngest in a long line of historians who believe that America’s Founding Fathers were the guardians of a massive treasure dating back to the era of the Crusades. Despite his father Patrick’s (Jon Voight) pessimism, Ben investigates a clue provided by his grandfather John Adams Gates (Christopher Plummer) - a clue handed down by their distant relative Charles Carroll, one of the last surviving signatories of the Declaration of Independence. Working with his employer Ian Howe (Sean Bean), Ben unlocks the mystery of the clue which leads to his belief that a treasure map is encoded in invisible on the backside of the Declaration of Independence…

When Ian hatches a scheme to rob the National Archives of its most treasured artifact, Ben promptly alerts the FBI. But the feds’ failure to take his claim seriously prompts Ben to devise his own plan to steal the parchment (so he can protect its secrets from Ian). Along the way, Ben convinces National Archives curator Abigail Chase (Diane Kruger) of the conspiracy, and she agrees to help him steal the Declaration of Independence. With each new success, Ben and Abigail are brought closer to the ultimate discovery. But Ian Howe and the FBI are always one step behind, and multiple dangerous obstacles remain in their way… Does a vast treasure of wealth hidden by the Founding Fathers really exist? And will Ben and Abigail find it before it falls into the wrong hands? Just as with Harry Potter and Indiana Jones, all the fun is in waiting to find out…

National Treasure marks the second mass-audience commercial success of 2004 for Walt Disney Pictures (The Incredibles being the other), and Disney teams up once again with Jerry Bruckheimer Films (with whom it worked on The Pirates Of The Caribbean) to pull off the feat. Director Jon Turteltaub (While You Were Sleeping) manages to provide a modicum of realism to a film that asks it audience time and again to ignore common sense. Sporting a screenplay that offers its hero a series of absurdly difficult clues which he solves with relative ease, National Treasure presents a comic book edifice that borders on the juvenile. But the film is saved by the fact that it doesn’t come across in an overtly serious light, but rather as a fun and entertaining night at the movies that even offers a bit of comic relief. As such, National Treasure is a definite must-see film. Because if it’s anything, it’s loads of fun…

Britt Gillette is author of The DVD Report, a blog where you can find more reviews like this one of the National Treasure (DVD).

Nominated for three Academy Awards, including Best Music - Scoring of a Dramatic or Comedy Picture, Bambi is a true animated classic of the silver screen. Long before the public’s introduction to Aladdin, The Lion King, or Finding Nemo, Walt Disney single-handedly conjured the full-length animated feature film out of nothing and into an enduring, well-respected genre - creating one family classic after another, starting with Snow White (1937) then Pinocchio (1940), Fantasia (1940), and Dumbo (1941) before creating this gem in 1942. Directed by David Hand, a longtime Disney animator and supervising director of Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs, Bambi is a masterpiece of color, motion, and the beauty of life. Its relative simplicity harkens to a time long past when such movies focused on symbolism, emotional breadth, and challenging the boundaries of artistic creativity, instead of catering to a perceived audience demographic. The result is a truly remarkable and memorable family experience…

Bambi begins with the forest birth of a young fawn (Bambi) who comes into the world surrounded by an anxious crowd of admirers. Hailed as the “great prince of the forest,” Bambi is thrust into an exotic world of animal and plant life, complete with all the highs and lows experienced in the world of reality. One of the film’s most powerful scenes (and the one most often referenced in regard to Bambi) is when the dreaded “man” (i.e. a band of hunters) enters the forest and kills Bambi’s mother. Although the scene takes place off camera, Disney manages to convey all the emotional trauma of the event in the brevity of a few bold and powerful brushstrokes.

As Bambi seeks to recover from his mother’s death, he must learn to grow from a fumbling fawn into a fearless buck. The charming scenes of Bambi bumbling across a frozen pond are soon overshadowed by the power of his maturation into a formidable leader. Assisting him on his journey is a parade of unique personalities, the most notable of whom is a rabbit named Thumper. Thumper’s vocal velocity and eagerness to befriend Bambi threaten steal the show, but the growing deer never loses his deserved spotlight. Throw in a skunk named Flower and a beautiful doe named Faline (Bambi’s love interest), and the film comes together in its own right, creating a combination of tragedy and triumph all ages can enjoy…

In stark contrast to its contemporary peers, Bambi is a refreshing exit from today’s highly commercial animated features. Although Thumper provides the necessary comic relief, the film is more than just a deluge of juvenile one-liners - and boasts absolutely zero fart jokes. Instead, Bambi wraps a timeless story of a life’s journey to adulthood in the majesty that is mother nature. Its ingenious illustration of a forest teeming with wildlife and the dangers encountered by its inhabitants is truly awe-inspiring. In short, Bambi has all the makings of a tinsel-town classic - one that should make today’s Disney creations utterly green with envy…

About the Author

Britt Gillette is author of The DVD Report, a blog where you can find more reviews like this one of the Bambi (DVD).

In his intimate quarters today at 212B Baker Street, Sherlock Holmes announced the identity of Jack the Ripper to a journalist from this newspaper.

“Well, not quite” added the illustrious private consultant, re-lighting the liqueur tobacco in his notable pipe.

“You see I could not disclose the entire situation due to the delicate position of the person who arranged the villainy; the details of which were convoluted.

“Ripper carried out the precise murders by royal authority. I could not say so before, due to the insanity and falling health of the one responsible. I was thus compelled — no, commanded, to wait until advised on the matter.”

But what will be the public reaction to such hiding of a murderer?

Holmes savored another genie of smoke in resolution. “The number of women hacked was exact. No more, no less than those desired. No one else was ever at risk.” He brushed his raven nose, locking his thin legs into a pretzel.

“Not altogether true, I regret to say. Though never a sharp step away, I discovered him at twelve minutes past ten last night — his fate as that of those he lacerated.”

So, who then is the Ripper?

“A surgeon of the highest degree — in professional skills I mean. His morals I shall pass over to the readers. Scotland Yard has the burden of publishing his name and the whys and wherefores of his assassination.
&nb sp;
“Now, I shall be blunt. Another mystery greets me, and that is…. who murdered the Ripper?”

We at the Daily Telegraph will keep our pencils sharpened.

Excerpt from: Vol. 60, No. 11 — November 1979 — The Great Detectives

“It has been said, though with no such definitive proof as the subject himself would demand, that Sherlock Holmes is the best-known character in all of English literature. He is a member of that most exclusive group of imaginative creations who have outlived not only their creators, but their era. Through films, radio, television and comic strips, the peculiarities of Holmes’s personality are known to vast numbers of people who have never read the original Holmes stories. In what must be the ultimate test of immortality, many madmen evidently believe they are Sherlock Holmes.

This probably would have pleased his creator, Arthur Conan Doyle, a spiritualist who dabbled in the ways of immortality. Conan Doyle hugely enjoyed the game of persuading readers that Holmes was a real, if somewhat shadowy, human being. He did this by deftly scattering references to actual persons and events throughout his stories. Their tongues in their cheeks, Holmes scholars are only too happy to keep the game going to this day.

The first thing they will tell you is that the Holmes stories were not written by Conan Doyle at all, but by a rather stuffy but good-natured chap named Dr. Watson. Sherlock Holmes societies everywhere (and they are everywhere) operate on the elementary premise that Holmes and his apostle really did make their headquarters in their lodgings at 212B Baker Street. The address does not exist now, but they explain that is because of demolition and rebuilding since Holmes’s and Watson’s heyday. It is reported that the firm which occupies the nearest number to 212B regularly receives mail addressed to Sherlock Holmes.”

Full graphics version here

Esmerelda Jones… The Knitting Wench
Writer Of Desires
Writer Of Old Curiosities

Victoriana, Victorian Swoon, Gods & Goddesses: The Wisdom And Pleasures of Ancient Greece, Classic Romance, Poems For The Passionate, Whimsical Tales, Bushrangers & Australian Pioneer, Ghosts I Have Known, Gypsy Knitting. Ratings and comments delightfully accepted.